It really don't hurt... A weight has been removed

It really don't hurt... A weight has been removed
I thought I would be hurt
I thought I would be angry
I thought I would cry
I thought it would leave me broken
I thought I would feel something that resemble love

It really don't hurt... A weight has been removed
I saw.... What I only wanted to see
I believed... A liar tale
I loved... With a lonely heart
I exit... With dignity
I forgive... Because it's GODLY
I accept... Because I have courage

It really don't hurt at all, A weight has been lifted
It really don't hurt... Peace has arrived
It really don't hurt... A weight has been removed

The End

My heart feels empty but yet so heavy
My mind has never been so clear
I ignore the signs, the sick feeling, the constant voice within.
I believe we all must face our demons
The heart although powerful is such a delicate amentities, It can be so easily fooled in believing
I wish I could go back in time and erase what we had
I remember the beauty we once shared
I remember the connection and chemistry... It was like nothing I ever possess
The hard work and time invested
How did we get here?
I am confused by it all, I want to be NONEXISTENCE in
I want to forget the good as well as the bad
I want to hold on but I need THE END
The End has come to me several time in varies way but I have chosen to ignore
The End has tested my sincerity
The End has come once again but fate has step into play

I look at you and wonder what it was that capture my heart. I look and see someone but the imagine is cloudy. You have options, you have variety, you have quantity and you have what you wanted to be.... NOW I need THE END

I Have Nothing... I Have No one

I have nothing... I have no one
I have nothing to brag about, I have nothing to call my own, I have nothing that gives me enjoyment , I have nothing to protect me, I have nothing that is consistent, I have nothing but memories, I have nothing that will give me freedom.

I have no one to turn to, I have no one who knows me, I have no one to confide in, I have no one to ease the pain , I have no one to cry on, I have no one who cares, I have no one who understand, I have no one to tell my deepest thoughts.

I have nothing because I lost my way
I have no one because I believed ... some people motive are not good

Although I write the words I know that my FATHER is always close
I have my FATHER and ME... that's good enough

THE UNKNOWN

Something is weighing heavy on my mind and my heart
I am drained... yes that's what I will state today, tomorrow and yesterday
I want to remember the last time I was truly happy with myself and my choices
I want to breath again... I would like to stop crying and worrying
I have giving so much to my inabilities and not enough to my abilities
I have literally laid down and allowed time to past me by
I forgot how to live... I can't remember the last time I laughed
I became the product of my circumstances and my fears
I allowed myself to become weakened by obstacles
I feel like such a failure...
Looking back over the last 2-years I realize that I'm fighting a battle that has stopped my growth. I could have been almost done with my schooling and possibly had things ready for starting my own business.

2009 was hard for me I've thought about ending my life 3 times this year because I wanted out, I didn't want to hurt, I didn't want to feel the pain of a broken heart and I am physically tired and mentally drained... BUT I AM NOT A COWARD and that's exactly what I was chosen THE COWARDS WAY OUT.
FEAR what an ugly word... I can only blame myself this time... I did it and I'm still doing it. I thought once my finance get right I would be better, so untrue. I have been without an income for over 1-year and GOD has shown me that I am a survivor... and everything is possible when HE'S in control. I know I need money for basic living needs but money isn't my salvation. It's hard to look at yourself and be confident when you don't know how to function without the one thing that helps you feel safe and loved. I'm scared because I don't know the unknown. I do know HE has brought me through some serious stuff and HE has not let me fall.
I am not who I want to be but I am becoming who I should be
Learning about yourself is a wonderful experience
My purpose is still unclear but the journey I'm taking is worth it all
I dreams the brightest dreams
My goals are obtainable
My life is what I make of it

Missing Something??

Missing something?

I'm missing you the way you once was
I'm missing the way you speak
I'm missing the way you move
I'm missing your present


I miss the way you see things
I miss your essences
I miss your attitude
I miss your love


I'm missing your boldness
I'm missing that bitch within you
I'm missing the way you smell
I'm missing the way you make me feel


I'm missing ME

Damn right it's a misunderstanding...

Misunderstood yes...



It's a misunderstanding because I constantly have to defend myself...
The misunderstanding is that I really do care...
I'm misunderstood because I'm secretive...


It's a misunderstanding because you feel this need to test my patience...
The misunderstanding is that I do have much love within for you...
I'm misunderstood because I still do have love for her...


It's a misunderstanding when you won't allow us to be...
The misunderstanding is I'm only human...
I'm misunderstood because of my past...


It's a misunderstanding because you want let my past go and accept the fact that my present and future is all that matter...
The misunderstanding is you feel that I'm unhappy and unsure...
I'm misunderstood because you don't believe...


DAMN RIGHT it's a HUGE MISUNDERSTANDING and I'M DONE TRYING

Love is an arrogant wave of happiness

Something that need to be posted by Destine To Believe
The constant clanging of the tracks underneath were almost soothing for the weary soul, A sigh brought down the chest and emptiness filled back the lungs. No feeling, No ample reason for hope. The lights flickered, voices enticed my sanity. A glance up at the window unveiled a chilling discovery. The confused, writhing face of a ghost stared back at me. Searching for some meaning, I looked there in her eyes. Longing to reach out and embrace her pain and sorrow, I could not. She sat still with a look of anguish on her face. No one could know her intentions for she herself did not control them. Her sadness implied she had fallen ill to the control of others, she was a puppet with no say in her own destiny. The strings that controlled her were not manipulated by one, but rather many puppet masters. She realized she had no control over her life, her head fell into her hands like a rag doll that was dropped to the ground. I doubted she had ever smiled by the deep crease in her forehead. Tears started to paint her face, and like steel I felt something heavy roll down my own cheek. I put my hand to my face and watched as she did the same. I was this ghost, she was a fragment of who I was. As I stepped off the train I vowed to clip my strings and rid my ghost of failure who haunted me. Yes, love is indeed arrogant when flaunted in your face, but it is something all most allow themselves to experience at one time or other in life

FADED

I HAD TO POST THIS BY SHELBY... MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY

I WAS SO FADED WITH LOVE THAT DAY , SO CONFUSED THE DAY I ALLOWED YOU TO SLITHER IN MY HEART
I WAS SO FADED THAT DAY I LET YOU SLIP INTO ME
I WAS FADED WHEN YOU SLIPPED INTO ME.. ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
YOU SLIPPED THAT GOOD STUFF INTO ME, THAT LOVE, THAT BURNING LOVE, THAT DESIRE, THAT FIRE, THAT BURNING HEART WRENCHING LOVE
IT KILLED ME WHEN YOU LIED, CHEATED AND BURNED MY SOUL WITH FIRE
FIRE THAT BURNT ME BEYOND RECOGNITION.
YOU GAVE A STRANGER UR HEART AND THEY FADE YOU
FADED YOU
FADED YOU PLENTY
FADED UR SOUL
BEYOND CONTROL
FADED OUR MINDS
FADED OUR LIFE
FADED SHONDA

Heavy Heart

Heavy heart...What troubles do I face?
Heavy heart...Why are you so delicate?
Heavy heart...Why must you ache?
Heavy heart so unfamiliar
Heavy heart not so pure
Heavy heart trying to beat the odds
Heavy heart...Why?
Heavy heart...Who will I turn too?
Heavy heart my heart is broken
Heavy heart I was taken
Heavy heart take this pain away
Heavy heart...Why burden me?
Heavy heart... What's with the bitterness?
Heavy heart you must go
Heavy heart release your grip
Heavy heart such a heavy heart
Heavy heart... What a disappointment
Heavy heart fight
Heavy heart stand and be strong
Heavy heart you're not a victim
HEAVY HEART... OVERCOME
HEAVY HEART... BE HAPPY
I surrender this heavy heart
Goodbye Heavy Heart

!!!QUESTIONS!!!

So many questions so little answers...

I'm faced daily with questions that has know particular right or wrong answers

Should I stay?

Where do I go?

Should I start school?

Should I wait on love?

What is happiness to me?

Faced with question but have know idea on my plans...
I have this opportunity to move to Missouri with a job offer
I feel more doors will open if I stay in Illinois
I feel like I'm stuck and not moving forward in my quest for a better me.

What am I to do?

Who do I turn to?

Who do I have as my support team?

What I'm I seeking?

Daily questions but still no answers nor suggestions...

I am broke with not a penny to my name but I feel so rich because I have something with-in that keeps me moving. I got a place to call home but this place isn't home to me anymore. My basic needs are met and I am thankful but my body, mind and spirit acquire something I see but can't grasp hold of

What do I do?

I have people... but not who I want to be going through this journey with me
I know it looks bad but once the good comes it's gonna be an amazing BLESSING.


The unknown is scary but to make decision without thinking is suicidal

Patient and Faith is all I have
Being Patient is hard but ever action has an reaction

Faith... I can't see it or touch it but I know somebody knows me and what's needed for me
I walk by faith and continue to ask questions.

What's next for me and my life?

Question??????

Vent

I need to vent because you got a Bitch twisted.

I'm trying to understand people but I just can't. I do take full credit for my imperfection but some people have some Nerves. I finally getting me together and for whatever reasoning people persist on playing with me. What the fuck??? My level of calmness is wearing thin, you call to tell me some bad news but on the day it happen I got no phone call. I don't understand your logic. Why bother me?? You act as if I was this horrible person and I need to be treated badly or something... when the fact is I gave you all that I had to give and more then I was willing. You sit on your damn pedestal and act like I'm the shit beneath your shoes... At this point in our lives we both need to grow and mature more I feel like a child that's being punish for wrong doing. I have accepted the fact that we are nothing but still in disbelief with the whole situation. I never wanted to have ill feeling toward you but I must admit last night showed me what you really think of me as a person. I'm a little sadden but relieved because now I have no per-conceived notion of anything pertaining to us. Again, I ask you to NOT CONTACT my circle of friends or ME for any reason. As far as your things left behind it's clear you don't want them so I will disposed of them so there's no reason for us to bother each other. Thank you for the giving my heart back.

My day

Stop waiting on someone to come save me
I forgot the inner strenght that was giving by GOD
I am stronger than I thought and once I prioritize my self-worth I saw clearer
I have had bad things happen in my lifetime but those things will never define who I am and where I want to go
Change is necessary but change comes only when you allow things to happen
I decided to stop re-opening old wounds
I am finally at peace
I found an indescribable sense of relief
I had to let go of false hope and see what I didn't have the courage to see
I've expected others to save me from myself and my problems
I allowed my circumstance to consume me and for that I am sorry
I have wasted precious time dwelling on my perception of what was right
I am so in-love with myself
I am loving myself in a way that is necessary
I thought it would be hard to live my life without an identity
My life begin once I freed myself from unhealthy things
I began once I allow GOD to be my only focus and purpose

Percentage

Women Independence Day

Hello world as of 12:50 am 09/19/2009 I realized that I am a PHENOMENON WOMEN

for the last two weeks I've been fight a battle within myself and for others. I can preach and give the most powerful advice however I for the life of me cannot take my own advice. In my life I have had trails and tribulation but never in my 34- years have I experience the things my friends are enduring. I have a friend that just found out her husband has a drug addiction, I have another friend that moved away from her kids to accommodate a man that wouldn't acknowledge her as his mate, disrespected her in every way imaginable and cheats like it's acceptable. Then my other friends married a man that's not affectionate nor loving, has cheated before and is unhappy. I look at myself and say I am fortunate to never have had to endure the things they are experiencing. I've been cheated on and mental as well as physically abused but truthful the abuse was mutual. I have loved many but loving self goes much further.



Today is my Women Independence Day I realize in life obstacle will always arise, what we do is of importance. First and foremost remembering that we are WOMAN and carrying our self as one is critical. I know we as women love hard but losing yourself in loving someone isn't healthy. I have pleaded myself to exhaustion and for what LOVE, HAPPINESS, COMPANIONSHIP... In knowing others you see yourself clearly I have degraded and devalued myself for someone who clearly isn't worthy. Moreover I lessen my worth because I lost sight of the Women inside of me. If you have to buy, pleaded or convince another to love you, to be with you, to remember what was lost... then move on. I loved and my soul is aching but today I made the decision to be brave. My lost is an unfortunate one but it's one that is necessary. I wont degrade or devalue myself again. Independence mean freedom of the mind, spirit, body and heart. Changing the things you're able to and accepting what you cannot is the second lesson toward a healthy existence.


Today is my independence day because I wont allow my selfishness to overpower my common sense. I wont try to convince another to come home, love me, respect me, protect me or want me when they don't. I won't become less then what I am a PHENOMENON WOMEN and the worth is priceless. I say to you don't respond, don't react, don't think about me, don't do NOTHING just do you because that's what important SELF.

#########

I want to cry but I'm just to tired
I want to yell but my voice is weak
I want to be free but my mind is to full
I want you but that's just impossible

Today was a fair day. No Crying, No Cussing and No Fussing
Today was a good day I'm still standing

I'm still trying to push through and I will ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!
Keep going that's all I got...

WELL WELL WELL

I survive yesterday and today is definitely a better day. I woke up and who could ask for anything more. I am truly blessed. I have my basic needs met I am blessed with the ability to make CHOICES good or bad. Today is my independence day I will not feel sad because of the things I don't have. I will be grateful for the things that I do have and all the things I have not received yet. I am not ready to give up on myself. I am my biggest supporter. I will LIVE for GOD and myself, I will LOVE and I am GROWING. What a difference a day makes???

SHONDA TALE

Today wasn't a good day. I spent most of the morning and afternoon crying. I reached out to some but I still felt like shit. I visit someone but I wasn't welcomed. I have always felt like I didn't really have genuine people in my life and today I was right. I'm not mad about it I'm just a little sadden. Everybody needs somebody sometimes in there life, I guess a wore a mask for such a long time that people don't know how to take me crying and reaching out. I must say I don't know how to interpret myself for that matter. My friend well I thought was a friend wants me to leave her alone and I would like for that to happen but then I will truly be alone. I will do as she asked because I will not become a bother to anyone who don't want me around. I have always been a strong individual with strong views and ever stronger opinions. I guess I lost my way in the last 2+ years and never really found my way back. I have allowed my current situations to define who I am. I have not practice what I preached and now I'm left to pick myself up and as REV RUN said "MOVE AROUND". Time is ticking and I am at a standstill. I have allowed so many opportunities to past me by. I have used fear and the lack of money as a crunch for so long that I have almost giving up on my dreams. I see it and I want it I just don't see how to obtain what I want. I would love to have people supporting me in my quest but I may have to take this journey alone. I understand what I want but my mind is conflicted. I have many wants but I cannot decipher from wants and needs. I have always put needs before wants. But what happens when your wants are just important as your needs. I want to go back to school, I want to get a Bachelor Degree in Business Administration with concentration in Accounting, I want to own my business and I want to have a safety net. Am I wrong to put some of my wants into play? when I don't know how I'm going to pay my bills now. I am DEPRESS with life and my future. I will not allow it to consume me anymore. I want more for myself and I will achieve it even if it KILLS ME.

My pledge

My pledge
I pledge to love self unconditionally
I pledge to stop feeling sorry for myself
I pledge to not sweat the small stuff
I pledge to let the past go
I pledge to have an open-mind about new adventures
I pledge to do TRY everything until I find what feel right to me
I pledge to stop complaining and to start doing
I pledge to get back to the basic
I pledge to learn for my mistakes
I pledge to keep it simple

I pledge on 09/12/2009 to rediscover true joy and true happiness , start applying myself more and enroll in business school.

DEAR YOU AND I

Whoever said "Time heal all wounds" knew they shit.
It was a long and painful road but it was one that I needed to grow.
But I find myself holding on to someone that I had let go of a long time ago.
I understand now that it was habit. I for the life of me cannot understand why it took so long to let go completely. I have No love left to give but I must say I do care and caring is all I have. I don't understand in an instant my feelings changed and what I felt months earlier isn't the same now. I took emotions out of this situation and for the first time I saw. The truth is it was always there but I was blinded by what I thought was love. I don't doubt what I had was love but I question what type? I have been waiting and waiting for something that's just not apart of that person character. I wanted someone who is on a road parallel to mines; knowing we can never walk the same path, but finding a commonality in direction and purpose. I have been longing for someone with a concrete understanding of self. Someone who cannot be changed as easily as the wind changes courses. And above all else, An Honest person, Honest with me and Honest with themselves. I acknowledge my limitations and rejoice that I am able to change things that I can and except the things I cannot. I'm stronger than ever and wiser beyond my years. I love hard and I fight deligently. I said it before I can never LIVE, LOVE and GROW for us. I loved enough to try, I cared enough to work things out, I know enough to walk away. Although it may seem easy its harder than it looks. I'm conflicted and I'm confused but Enough is Enough and It is exactly what it should be.

TODAY

Today is here and all my anxiety are raging. I must be my own advocate taking my life into my own hands. Today I go and get some needed answer from a person I really don't trust. I must remain meek, kind and respectable. Today I go and make people accountable. I am scared but ready to finally see what's what. Today I go. Today I go. Today I go.

Okay my day is finally starting slowly
I still feel like crap but I must be productive
It's hard to focus when your mind lead you to different places
I am unsure what today holds but I am grateful to be present
Although my mind is cloudy and my body is weary I am blessed
I work on my plans for tomorrow and the unknown leaves me scared
I wonder what it would be like to just be carefree
If I didn't have one care what would my life consist of?
I am so tired and weary that my eyes can't focus but today is almost gone and I still haven't found all that's needed
I am not a quitter so I keep searching until I get the information I desire.

Thank you

Well world I returned from another mini vacation 3-days ago feeling refreshed and mind clearer then ever. I understand that what is meant to be will be.
What I hold as secrete really isn't.
I have held on to many things for selfish reason and I must let go.
Pursuing my life dreams are #1 priority.
Living my life to the fullest is high priority
Finding true happiness is top priority
I want to learn and be a force to reckon with
I want to amaze myself and other
I want to be independent again
My mini vacation has en-lighten me
I see what I couldn't see, I feel what I was to scared to feel and I know what I've known for sometime

Thank you in advance for setting my mind free

BLINDED BY LOVE

Blinded by love
What is love? Why love? When to love? Who to love? How to love?
I loved some and lost many,
I still don't completely know what it is but
I know love never hurts
Love is suppose to keep evolving into something undescribable.
Love isn't something for that moment its forever
I thought love was all you needed... I was wrong

Blinded by love
Love isn't like a fairy tale there's no happy ending
I've love and the ending is still the same

Yes it true... it better to have love then to never loved at all
Sometime I wonder what wrong with me and my inability to find unconditional love.

Blinded by love and all it components
Blinded by the truth
Blinded with what once was

Aware of... The END

THE ROLL-A-COASTER

Going to the amusement park is always fun...
Playing games and making decisions on the scariest ride to attempt is exciting.

THE ROLL-A-COASTER just a ride at an amusement park???
THE ROLL-A-COASTER such an adrenaline rush
THE ROLL-A-COASTER the ride is like none you have ever experienced, it consume your very being. It take no prisoner and it leaves you breathless.

What happen when the ride you've enjoyed become an emotional cycle? All the talking, begging and pleading has no effect on the power of THE ROLL-A-COASTER. The common sense within is gone. It consume your very being and all you want is RELEASE and RELIEF.
Intelligence, Money and Education plays no factor. I asked WHY but make excuses... emotionally I'm drained, physically I'm tired and mentally I'm done.
This Roll-A-Coaster is a ride and making that decision not to ride is simple but the damage is already done and the end isn't near.

Release me... I tell you so I can re-leave myself from the harsh grip of THE ROLL-A-COASTER

Hello

HELLO

H= HARDY
E= EXTINGUISH
L= LADEN
L= LASS
O= OUT-LET

BOLD AND ROBUST
TO PUT AN END TO
HEAVILY BURDENED
A YOUNG GIRL OR WOMAN
AN EXIT

WHAT AM I SAYING????? HELLO

The misunderstanding is always misunderstood...

The misunderstanding is always misunderstood...

Knowing is have the battle, when we know better we trend to do better.
What happen when we know what we need to do and continue down a disrupted path?
I have been preparing myself for the EXIT of my lifetime. I know it might be hard but very necessary. I NEED TO TEACH people who to treat me. I have been done for a while and to keep playing your game is getting tiresome.
I love your swagger
I love your company
I love your eyes
I love your body
I love how you once loved me
I know better so therefore I will do better. I have love and now it's time to prepare for that next chapter in my life. My battle is won because I am no longer misunderstood.

ARE YOU OUT THERE???

Are you out there wondering?
Are you out there kicking yourself yet?
Are you out there with the understanding that your love mean nothing anymore?

Are you reading this is thinking DAMN?
Are you reading this and thinking IT'S NOT ABOUT ME?
Are you reading this and thinking IT'S NOT TRUE?

Are you out there still on your throne?
Are you out there thinking your shit don't stink?
Are you out there plotting your next move?

I know you're out there Misguided.

You're out there thinking in my most weaken state... I AM WEAK.
You're out there thinking you got me stuck.

Understand this... you may have power but the choice is always and forever MINES!!!

I feel so empowered but still haven't discovered my gift
I feel so lonely but definitely not alone
I feel so enlighten but still have to knowledge to gain
I feel trapped but not really free

I have not yet discover my calling but this journey I take daily is a great chance to rediscover my strengths and weakness.

Everyday is a struggle but without struggle how do one truly become humble and appreciative of success.

I will keep pushing through to accomplish my dreams.

IT'S TIME

Something in me said call and see, So I did and to much surprise my call went through
I started to leave a message, but the reality is clearer than ever
I spoke to you but that was only the WHAT IF inside me
I tried to make the conversation genuine but again reality is just that REALITY
Stopping myself isn't easy because we want what we know
Looking for that reason to say Hi, What's Up, and What's New has gotten old
Reality is... STOP.. STOP and STOP
Take a minute and ask yourself why do you bother when your reality is....
THE TIME IS NOW and IT'S ABOUT TIME

YOU GOT ME FUCKED UP!!!!!

!!!!!! Yes in deed you got me fucked up!!!!
How could you ever think that I wouldn't get tired of your nonsense?
Why would you think you're just to good to be forgotten?
I must give you the expression that I'm weak and I nothing without you

!!!!Yes in deed you got me fucked up!!!!
It's not hard to leave, It's not a tragedy that we are broken
Our time has expired!!
No more borrowed time for false emotions
I'm not her waiting and willing to give another TRY

!!!!!Yes in deed you got me fucked up!!!!
Thinking your love is what's happening is truly sad
It's the lies that you tell that destroyed the possibility
The chance was giving but you cowardly declined
The opportunity was there but you used it unwisely
The lifetime connection is gone and the Friendship is no longer

!!!YES IN DEED YOU GOT ME FUCKED UP!!!!
But tomorrow is a new day and new days bring new beginning's.

Unhealthy but!!!

I know now what love is...
I know now what it is to be loved.
I know what your love consist of.
I'm learning what my original way to love is...
Healthy or Unhealthy. What a question??
It's so healthy to just love you unconditionally.
It's so healthy to just be friends... Maybe Not!!
Unhealthy love is loving you when the feeling I share with you are not the same or returned.
Unhealthy love is when my heart is numb and my mind is confused
Unhealthy love is knowing that it's time to move on

I know loving you was so hard at first but now that I am present I understand that love isn't a giving, its like everything in life you work hard for. You have to put as much of yourself into it in order to reap the greatest reward. The power of Unconditional love and True love.
I am here waiting for us to experience GOD's greatest gift.. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Love Lost!!

I thought we would be in-love forever
I thought love was all we needed
what a feeling LOVE LOST
To love is to be loved
What happen when being love isn't enough?
Loving you was hard but allowing you freedom is overwhelming...
and so very necessary for our personal growth.
A beautiful LOVE LOST
So I speak these words... And put SELF first
Never LIVE, LOVE and GROW for another.
Always LIVE your life as if it's your last...
Always LOVE yourself even when you make mistakes...
Always GROW emotionally, physically, personally and spiritually...
And when LOVE LOST occur you have NO REGRETS!!!